IF DAMON RUNYON HAD WRITTEN ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
On the night before X-mas, I was with Louie the Louse.
He had lost all his cabbage betting against the house.
The bouncers had tossed us out into the snow.
When poor Louie soon ran out of all of his dough.
We wandered down Broadway that cold Christmas Eve
And saw a Santa from Save-A-Soul Mission starting to leave.
With thousands of greenbacks nestled snug in his sack
He ran pretty quickly without looking back.
“Hey, Santa,” we cried as he ran with the loot.
“Cannot talk now, gents,” said he, “as I really must scoot!
I will see youse both later tonight when I bring my reindeer.
And if youse are both good guys, I will bring youse some beer!”
By now, our suspicions had got the better of us.
Why else would Santa act so nervous and anxious?
And then a big light bulb went off in my brain.
Santa was really the lout Beer Barrel McSwain!
He was making off quite nicely with a few thousand quid
That the mission had gotten from those who backslid.
Beer Barrel not being the cheery, giving sort,
We knew the mission’s coffers were sure to be short.
“Beer Barrel,” we cried, “we know that it is you!
With your theft you are sure to make poor families blue!”
“Do not try nothing,” he said as he scat.
“Or I will be showing you both what I do with a gat!”
Not wanting to meet with that dangerous thing
And be found dead in the water come the thaw in the spring,
We wisely chose not to call New York’s best.
And let McSwain continue on his most evil quest.
When all of a sudden, he who we loathe and despise,
Ran right into the middle of quite a few guys
Who worked for Sam the Gonoph that year,
Which, as you know, is nothing at which to sneer.
Beer Barrel ducked into Mindy’s about ten or eleven
As I yelled to the guys, “If all of you want to get to heaven,
Grab that lousy Santa with the green in his pack!
We have to get all the mission’s gobs of moolah safely back!”
Sam’s guys, knowing that if any theft were to be done,
It was Sam who should be in on the action.
So they ran after Beer Barrel as quick as they could
At the counter at Mindy’s right where he stood.
It seems Beer Barrel had gotten hungry for Mindy’s cheesecake
And decided he was due a short Mindy’s pie break.
Then all of a sudden, the quite large Knuckles McGee
Took a sap to the head of McSwain so fast and boldly.
As Beer Barrel silently fell to the ground out so cold,
Sam’s guys decided they would strike out so brave and so bold
By snatching the greenbacks McSwain had so sneakingly nicked
From the Save-A-Soul Mission as a Santa he tricked.
And to our surprise, that sweet Knuckles McGee
Decided to return the loot to the mission for free.
He was heard to exclaim after that violent clash,
“Merry Christmas to all! Do not steal our God’s cash!”
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