PLEASE DON'T EAT THE LAZIES
He knew for a fact that he would be next. Sitting there in the corner of that wooden cage, which was situated near the rear of the Cyclops' cave, he had seen his four companions removed from their prison and torn limb from limb by the Cyclops before he devoured them for his evening meal. And only he remained now, so it was just a matter of time before the giant Cyclops was ready for another meal, so he did not need to be given the gift of prophecy to know that his neck was next on the chopping block (chopping block being a figure of speech in this regard, as the Cyclops did not take time to chop up his victims, as he was the impatient sort of cannibal). As Cyclopes go, he was not the tallest of tall, but at nine feet, six inches, he was still of a magnificent height nonetheless, and with a belly the size of a small village, was nearly the same width as he was height. With a girth like that, it was obvious to the prisoner that this Cyclops ate very well.
The prisoner decided that in attempting to chat with the Cyclops, there would be a chance that he could ingratiate himself into the Cyclops' good graces and perhaps spare himself, or at least delay for some time, the inevitable. It was not much of a chance but it was a least a chance. He would be no worse off than his companions for the trying.
"Oh, sir!" he cried out. "Mr. Cyclops! I say, have you a minute to spare?"
"Ho," the giant shot back, somewhat startled at the impudence of his intended meal. "I am not used to my dinner speaking back to me, but, very well, pray, speak on."
"Well, I just thought that since we are here together, we would get to know each other before you began gobbling me up. Just a thought, you know. Something to consider before your next tea."
"As I am not yet famished enough to partake of my evening meal, I see no harm in indulging you for a bit. What would you like to discuss, my evening entree."
"There's the good fellow. Such a bright, energetic young man! We might start out by my asking how it is that you have sunk to such a low profession as stealing from the townsfolk, kidnapping and eating their elderly and children as well as any other folk who happen to pass by your lair?"
"HA!" the Cyclops laughed. "Low profession, is it? I pulled you out of that fishing boat, so I assume your profession is fisherman, one of the lowest there is! Lazing about all day, waiting for a few fish to nibble on your line, shooting the breeze with your lazy companions. You really have some nerve, you know. Do not talk to me about low professions, my next meal!"
Truth be told, his prisoner was not in fact a fisherman. He was pulled out of a ship, that is all true. However, he was in truth a mighty warrior on his way home from the most recent wars, a great and highly-decorated field general, an eventual possible heir to the throne, not some mere fisherman. The prisoner saw no need at that time, however, to correct the giant and continued in his line of questioning. If the giant wanted to think him some lowly fisherman, that was fine by the prisoner.
"Well," the prisoner replied humbly to the giant Cyclops, so as not to upset him any further, "I was simply trying to make pleasant pre-dinner time conversation for your evening's entertainment. What I truly meant to say was how is it that you have chosen this rather dubious path in life? A well-kept physical specimen and obviously intelligent individual like you could have chosen many other professions other than stealing and cannibalism to make a living." Here he was pandering to the giant's massive ego, as it was a bald-faced lie that the Cyclops was obviously intelligent. All who knew him feared his physical prowess, that is true, of course, but none in any way were in awe of his intellect (for reasons that will soon become apparent, by the way).
"I was forced into my lifestyle if you must know," the giant replied, "by you and your ilk!"
"Me and my ilk? I do not remember meeting you before that sorry day you rained boulders down upon my ship. How am I to blame for your station in life, sir? Since we are simply playing about here, do you care to explain?"
"Certainly, I will, since I am still not hungry, although my parents admonished me when I was just a tadpole not to play with my food. Where should I begin? The beginning, I suppose. You see, when I was much younger, way back in my grade school days, the other school children laughed at me and made sport of me. They would call poor Oog, that's my Christian name, you know, Oog, all sorts of bad names, taunting me, throwing things at me, chasing me with sticks and stones, which, by the way, proving that some old adages are correct, truly do break your bones. Where the saying went wrong, however, is that names will never hurt you. I was truly devastated at the utter cruelty of my classmates. It made school recess time a very upsetting and harrowing time at school. It upset me so much that come the lunch hour, I could barely wolf down the entire cow my mother had packed in my lunch box."
"Are you sure," the prisoner interrupted, "that these ignorant children were not simply making fun of your name?"
"MY NAME?" cried the giant. The prisoner had inadvertently hit a nerve, apparently. "What in the name of all that is holy is wrong with my name?"
"Well, I just thought that a name like Oog would be fair game on the schoolyard for many a devious little rake. It has the sing-song quality that many a bully would find appealing and be able to rhyme with some deprecating words. It also sort of sounds like the beginning of the word Ogre. I could see some young wits making hay out of that!"
"I see your point somewhat. The Ogres ARE distant cousins but are not of the quality of us Cyclopes. I will have you know that my father before me, and his father before him, and his father before him, going back twelve generations now, have all sported the name Oog. It is an honorable name in Cyclops history to be sure!"
"No offense, old chap. I was just trying to ascertain how you became the jaded and angry individual that you are today."
"Are you blind, you imbecile? I have ONE EYE! Do you not think that reason enough for young, callous school children to taunt a poor lad?"
"Yes, I see. Children can be so cruel sometimes to their fellow schoolmates with disabilities, I fear. Well, in this case, it is not as though that is a permanent condition, now, is it?" This was a quickly-devised thought the prisoner tossed into the conversation.
"Whatever do you mean, sir?" the Cyclops shot back quickly, his interest peaking a bit now over the prisoner's last statement.
"Do you mean to state that no one has told you?"
"Told me what?" the Cyclops was more than just curious now.
"This is quite unbelievable, I must say. Do you mean to tell me that neither your family doctor nor any of your family members told you that having one eye is not a permanent condition?"
"What are you babbling about? I have had this one eye now for nigh unto fifty years! If that is not permanent, I do not know what is!"
"Well, of course, if you have never taken the proper steps, it WILL be permanent. Are you not aware that all children of this world are born with only one eye? The baby eye, as medical doctors have come over the years to call the first eye, is like a person's baby teeth. The two new adult eyes cannot come in until the baby eye falls out or is taken out. Most of the time, it falls out on its own, you see. But, sometimes, in the most extreme cases, such as yours, it seems, it must be poked out so that the two new adult eyes can come in properly. I really cannot believe that no one has ever gone over this with you!"
"No," the Cyclops responded, a bit dejected. "Is this really true? This is hard to believe, I assure you, since every member of my family, as far back as I can remember, had only one eye. Can I truly have two normal eyes like everyone else?"
"I perceive now that your relatives must have been medically ignorant for not taking the proper steps to help out the inflicted members of your family. But have no neighbors ever broached the subject with you, either?"
"Well," the Cyclops answered, a small tear welling up in is one eye, "I do not get asked to supper all that much, what with the mischief I cause in the town, the looting, pillaging, and eating of the townsfolk and all. You can understand their position, can you not? The killing, chewing and swallowing of ones relatives tends to put some of my neighbors off, you know, for what reason I truly do not know, however. I am simply doing what I was born to do."
"Oh, of course, my good man. That is completely understandable. Who could blame them for the slight? But, somehow, I thought that such an intelligent creature as you would have heard something." Here again, the prisoner was simply massaging Oog's ego in the hope that he would be able to delay the inevitable a bit longer. No one in the town or in the valley had ever been known to attribute intelligence to Oog, fearing him though they may.
"No, no one has ever told me about this! How does one go about putting out the baby eye so that the two new adult eyes can grow in?"
"It is not something one can do on his own, you see. A doctor, or someone trained in these matters, must do it for you."
"I do not think I can convince the town's doctor to help me there. Unfortunately, I ate his wife just last month. Plump and tender though she was, if I had known I would have need of his services, I would have waited some time before deep-frying her in olive oil and eating her with a side of parmiginia di melanzane topped off with a little red gray. Oh, and here is something that may be of some interest to you, I sprinkled some fresh basil leaves over the whole meal as well. It actually grows wild just outside my cave door, you know, which is very handy for a culinary sort like me. It really was quite a good meal, as I remember, though now I fear I am going to regret it something frightful."
"Tut, tut, my good man. Do not fret one bit. It just so happens that I was the ship's doctor on that little vessel from which you plucked my companions and me," the prisoner lied, of course, since he was actually a great military leader and the only cutting he had ever done was with a short sword and that on his enemies in battle. "It is just sheer luck on your part that you chose to eat them first instead of me. I can perform the operation in mere minutes for you if you so desire."
Oog's ears perked up. The prisoner could see that he was really interested now.
"And how long will it take for my adult eyes to grow in after this operation?" Oog asked the prisoner.
"Oh, it is hard to say. We doctors have to take these things on a case-by-case basis, but I assure you, it would be no longer than a day or two at most."
"Done and done!" cried the Cyclops, spitting into his right hand and holding it out for the prisoner to shake through the bars on the wooden cage, which he did promptly. "You will perform this operation for me post haste!"
Oog opened the wooden cage, pushed away the bones of what remained of the prisoner's companions, along with those bones belonging to some other unfortunate townsfolk, and set him down on the cave floor.
"Of course, Oog, I will need some type of medical instrument with which to proceed," the prisoner/faux doctor stated matter-of-factly.
"Just what do you need? Say it and I will obtain it!" Oog cried out with joy, believing in his heart he would soon be like all normal folk, with the glaring exception of his height and weight, of course, and sport two normal eyes on his face.
"Hmmm," the prisoner thought out loud. "That long pole over there you are using as a spit for your fire would do nicely, I think. I would need one end to be sharpened like a large pencil, though. Have you the implements to do so?"
"I have a large axe that will do the trick!" the giant replied. "I use it all the time to dice up young townsfolk when I want to start a nice rue. I have been told a rue should start with butter, flour, celery, onions and green peppers, but I find that just a little chopped villager really rounds it out quite nicely."
Acting quickly, the Cyclops took his axe and sharpened the end of the long pole to a fine point. The prisoner found it rather heavy to hold up straight, however, and had to have the giant help him balance it on the cave floor in anticipation of "the operation".
"Now, all you have to do," the prisoner began, "is stay still with your eye open and I will complete the delicate operation."
"O, good, good! I am so excited! Complete away, my doctor my supper!"
With that gruesome last thought, that of still being considered for Oog's eventual supper, wafting through his mind, the prisoner lunged forward with the sharpened pole. Since the Cyclops believed this action was going to be completed for his entire benefit, he did not move a muscle, poor soul. The prisoner, almost having a thought of regret at how easy it had been to put one over on the giant but then remembering the fate of his four companions, as well as all of the others who had come to have the bad luck of crossing the path of this hideous creature, thrust with all of the might he could muster and impaled the sharp instrument directly into the center of the Cyclops' eye, putting out his eye and rendering him totally blind.
"Ahhhhhhh!" the Cyclops cried out in excruciating pain. "That really, really hurt! Oww! I really thought it would not hurt so much! Taking the baby teeth out of my mouth did not hurt this much, I can assure you, doctor! Could you not have used some sort of anesthesia in performing this operation? Your bedside manner leaves much to be desired, I must say. And now I can state for a fact that I cannot see a thing! Not one blessed thing! I trust this is normal. I do not know if I can stand this pain for the day or two it takes for my new adult eyes to come in!"
"Oh, that," the prisoner responded as he dropped the long pole onto the giant's lumbering feet, causing even more pain to the hapless giant, who was now holding the pitiful remnants of his bloody eye with one hand and hopping around on two feet in an attempt to ease the pain in his feet. "I was just joshing about the whole new adult eye thing. Cyclopes cannot have more than one eye ever in their lifetime. Kind of defeats the purpose of calling one a Cyclops, do you not think? And, now, since you are bereft of your eyesight and will be so forevermore, and will not be able to see me one whit, I bid you a fond adieu and wish you well, although without your eyesight I daresay you will have a very difficult time even being able to purloin a babe in swaddling clothes from the village hereafter! Quite a boon to the villagers, I do believe!"
"You tricked me, you impudent little insect!" the Cyclops yelled out, moving about in the cave, waiving his hands and arms in an attempt to locate the prisoner. "I will get you and squish you now like a bug you truly are and spread you as a paste onto my evening bruschetta!"
"You could certainly do that if you could see me, you blind corpulent fool, which, HA, of course, you cannot!" And with those words, the prisoner scurried quickly out of the cave, followed none too fast by the Cyclops, as he was bumping into objects in the cave and had a hard time even finding the door. The now blind hapless Cyclops ran into the wall next to the doorway as the prisoner passed through the jamb of the giant's door.
The prisoner had put about a mile between Oog's cave and himself and was well on his way to freedom when, looking back for a second to check on the whereabouts of Oog, he ran head first into a large object. Thinking he had run into the trunk of a tree, the impact was so great, he looked up and saw a huge, shadowy figure towering above him.
"Now what is all this racket I hear from the cave above, little man? What have you done to my brother?" this Cyclops, bigger in height and width than his brother, Oog, asked the prisoner as he picked him up by the scruff of the next, thinking that he would make a very tasty morsel for his next meal.
"You may call me doc, as I am actually a highly-qualified medical doctor with many important operations to my credit," the prisoner replied, continuing with the lie he had told this Cyclops' brother. "Have I ever told you my amazing and proven medical theory on correcting a Cyclops vision, my good man? It is really quite astonishing, I can assure you. It has been published in all of the reputable medical journals, you know. Please allow me to explain."
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